Pivotal moments

There are times in our lives that change us, at the time it's happening we don't realize the impact but years later we realize what a pivotal moment it was.  Lately I've been thinking a lot about my past.  I've spent the last 5 years working hard to become a better person.  Part of that is realizing my defects of character and making changes.  Just today as I was riding home from a fantastic day in Stillwater watching the final stage of the Nature Valley Grand Prix I decided to take the long way home which gave me lots of time to think. I made some realizations; one being I am physically stronger and emotionally weaker than I thought. I talk a lot so no one really knows how I feel.  I have random thoughts that I push out of my head so I don't have to deal with them. When I am hurt I cover it with humor, sarcasm and/or anger but don't express the true nature of my feelings.  As I ride along the trail I think about the pivotal moments of my life. 

1. 1963 being born, that started this whole thing.

2. 1982 leaving home at the end of my dad's foot.

3. having nothing to eat and no place to call home.

4. 1984 Lawrence dies and I learned how to cry.

5. 1988 fell hook, line and sinker in love, I find out just because you love someone it does not mean they will feel the same.

6. 1991 found myself in the ER with the neurologist telling me I may not walk again.

7. 1996 road my bike 150 miles just to prove I was healed.

8. 2001 all the childhood fears become a reality, planes are flown into the twin towers and the Pentagon, flashbacks of the air raid sirens going off, walking single file to the hallways, hunkering down and having to cover our heads. The United States has been attacked. Watching the television with tears streaming down my face. What the hell!

9. 2003 I turn 40, have a big bash and realize I have lived nearly half my life already and what have I accomplished?

10. 2005 I'm 42 and have had the same job for 21 years, half my life, it's time for change.

11. my father has a heart attack, my mom gets sick and I realize they will not be around forever. 

2008 I'm 45, I'm riding my bike down a trail and wondering what will happen tomorrow? how do I make myself a better person? I pledge to talk less, listen more, allow the random thoughts to enter my mind and to explore their meaning, allow myself to feel what I am feeling and not cover it up. I'm good with being alone but it is much better to have someone to share the fun stuff with. I need to get back to my spiritual self and away from the material world. I will work less and sleep more. Is this one of those moments???

peace